How to Seduce a Girl

practical psychology logo
Published by:
Practical Psychology

You see a beautiful woman sitting at the table beside you at the coffee shop. Do you pretend you need to borrow her pen to spark a conversation, tell her if she was vegetable shed be a cute-cumber, or stare at her intently and hope she notices you?  

You are on a first date with a beautiful lady you want to invite home. Do you touch her leg subtlety under the table, go in for the boob grab or wait for her to make the first move?  

You are kissing a cutie on your couch. Do you stop to read some poetry, put your hand under her skirt, or gently caress her hair?  

What is Seduction?

A seemingly endless number of decisions need to be made when meeting a potential partner, going on a first date, and making sweet love. How do we make the right decisions in each meeting phase to make our partner interested in us? How do we create an environment that is conducive to pleasure and connection?

Seduction has gotten a bad rep, as some folks think of it as a way to pressure or swindle someone into sex. Although some folks may take it too far, I like to think of seduction as a way to put forward the best parts of your personality in a way that taps into your partner's unique desires. Everybody has their own experiences and desires, and therefore seduction techniques must be individual and responsive. With consent and mutual desire at their core, this article will discuss some methods to help the ladies see how much you have to offer at every step of seduction.

Are Men and Women different?

As a psychologist tackling this topic, the first question that comes to mind is exploring if there is research to support that men and women are different regarding arousal, desire, and seduction. In this article, I will explore science-based gender differences in seduction and share specific seduction tips. Unfortunately, there is not very much research on queer seduction. Still, a lot of the studies exploring how to create an arousing environment for women should be similar regardless of the gender of the other person.

Spontaneous vs. Receptive Desire

There is some research showing that men and women are different regarding how we experience desire. Spontaneous desire is when you walk down the street finishing your lunch or sweep the crumbs off the floor, and BOOM, you become turned on. The body becomes excited first, and then your mind is like, sure, this sounds fun. According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, about 75% of men and 15% of women experience spontaneous desire. 

On the other hand, responsive desire is when something sexually stimulating happens, and then the body responds and becomes excited. For example, think of a situation when someone initially doesnt seem to be in the mood for sex, but their partner starts touching them, kissing them, and engaging in sexy banter. Through this mental build-up, they begin to experience intense physical desire. It has been found that 5% of men and 30% of women experience receptive desire. The rest of people experience more of a combination of responsive and spontaneous desire.

How does this impact seduction? Women may be less likely to be automatically excited and ready to go. As a result, it is up to you as the suiter to create a sexually stimulating environment. The specifics of this will be unique depending on what excites your partner and may require some communication to learn what would make them aroused and excited.  

The Dual Control Model

Women and men may also be different in perceiving sexual stimuli in the environment. The Dual Control Model postulates that two systems are operating simultaneously, one on the lookout for sexy cues in the environment (the accelerator) and one looking for potentially unsexy offputting stimuli (the brakes).  

The Dual Control Model asserts that both systems operate independently but impact each other. For example, when my partner shows that he desires me, it turns me on. When he whispers in my ear that he wants me, urgently grabs me and tells me how beautiful I am. All of this gets my accelerator going. However, my breaks would get activated if I could smell some union from the pizza he just ate when he whispers in my ear. Or when he urgently grabs me, it reminds me of a previous trauma I experienced. Or perhaps when he tells me how beautiful I am, I see that the sink in the periphery is full of dishes. Once the brakes are turned on, despite the pleasurable stimulation, we are often in a state where we can no longer enjoy it because the brakes are too strong.

Although both genders experience the brakes, some research shows that women may have stronger brakes than men. So for women, it is not that we are not excited by the environment. We often are. It is simply that there may be more going on that simultaneously turns on our brakes. Evolutionarily, women had more to invest when selecting a partner, and some vestiges of that remain today. Women are more likely to get slut shamed, experience sexual violence and several other circumstances that can make us wary of a new partner.

When it comes to seduction, it is essential to create an environment where there are as many potentially sexy cues as possible and as few potentially offputting cues. Everybody is unique in terms of what turns on their brakes, so if you are at this level of closeness, it may be helpful to ask your partner what turns them off or takes them out of the moment during a sexual encounter.

First Meeting And Impressions

Let's explore that first scene where you see an attractive woman sitting at the cafe. You have a couple of options regarding how to get the conversation going. First, you can go up to her and say, "I saw you ordering your coffee, and you looked really cute, and I wanted to say hi." There may be evidence that this straightforward approach can attract potential partners. For instance, research has shown that women are turned on by social risk-taking and bravery - and there's no doubt that it is a gusty first line. However, the other type of indirect conversation starter such as, "Can I borrow a pen?" or "Damn, it's freezing out today," can also get a conversation going.  

It doesn't matter exactly what your first line is; as long as once you start the conversation, you put the best part of your personality forward. For example, humor and sharing interesting personal information can be enough to get her intrigued. A recent study found that women in the UK rated having social skills, wittiness, and a sense of humor as some of the essential qualities in a potential partner. Humor is KEY, as it suggests to women that a good time is to be had and it is related to other positive traits such as intelligence.  

It may depend on your personality if you want to be brave and upfront or more subtle in your seduction, but you must present humor, intelligence, and personality right away!

Let anticipation build

She agreed to go out with you - Yay! Now don’t mess it up. It is imperative to take your time and let the anticipation build throughout your first date. The excitement of the unknown is more psychologically exciting than having a clearly defined reward. Research shows that Monkeys had the most substantial level of excitement when they were trained to respond to a light that randomly delivers food instead of one that consistently brought in the grub.  

This means that there may be some logic to keeping some mystery in the air on the first date instead of immediately putting all your cards on the table. I'm not saying to be a dick. On the contrary, we like people who like us more than those who give unclear signals. However, we can ethically create desire over time by having some unpredictability and anticipation in the date. 

For example, tell her you're going to kiss her after dessert (if she gives non-verbal signs that she's into it). Take her somewhere exciting after dinner, but keep the location a fun secret. Instead of waiting for the end of the date to make a move, create a unique and arousing environment early in the date and go in for the kiss if it feels right.

Exude Confidence

There is no question that confidence can be a huge turn-on. However, it's ok if you don't feel confident right now. Confidence is something that can be cultivated over time. To feel more confident, work on absorbing compliments. Accept that rejection is always a possibility, and try not to put too much pressure on each interaction, understanding that sometimes it doesn't work and it's not anybody fault. 

When on a date, stand up straight, keep your head up, and your shoulders pulled back. Be careful not to fold your arms and instead exude confidence in your movements. This can be practiced in the mirror. Remember, you can be confident and not be a dick, make sure not to cut your date off, but instead hold on to every word she says!

When things get Sexual

Women tend to be choosier when it comes to mate selection. As a result, research shows women aren't likely to accept an invitation for casual sex with a stranger without getting to know them first. Women generally need longer than men to experience feelings of passion. The "seven-hour rule" is the idea that women need at least seven hours to get to know a potential partner before feeling a strong enough emotional connection to be open to sexual activity. We are also used to feeling a level of pressure regarding sex. As a result, I reccomend working on making yourself irresistible so that she cannot help but make the first move. 

Also, take it slow so she does not feel pressured into anything. Touch is a crucial way to build up anticipation slowly. The right touch at the right time can lead to the release of several positive neurotransmitters such as oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine, leading a woman to feel a sense of connection and trust. Also, frequent hugging is associated with less social anxiety, higher connection, and more happiness. As a result, start with subtle touching, like having your fingers grace each other at the dinner table or some light footsie. If the touch is being returned, it can slowly escalate to more intimate touches, but if it is not being returned, immediately stop and work on seducing her with your charming personality.

Specific Tips To Seduce A Girl

I promised I would end with some specific seduction techniques, so we go! A study found that people holding warm coffee in their hands were more caring than folks who held ice tea, suggesting that warmth in your hands can translate into other areas. I’m talking about the heart you dirty bastards! 

Another study found that mirroring a date's actions will make you appear more kind and responsive. It was also shown that folks who were rotating tables (instead of sitting and having potential dates approach them) were less selective about who they were interested in getting to know during a speed dating experiment. This suggests that the key to seduction is finding a way to have a woman approach you, mirroring her actions and taking her for out for hot chocolate.

To seduce someone, you must utilize the seduction style that feels genuine to you. With this general guide, you can curate your moves with some understanding of female psychology. Remember, each woman is unique, and most women would be happy to answer questions about their desires and turn-offs. If you take it slow, create an erotic environment, and let the anticipation build, you are bound to have her calling you begging for a second date!

Reference this article:

Practical Psychology. (2023, January). How to Seduce a Girl. Retrieved from

About The Author

Photo of author